Friday, December 30, 2011
I'm a pretty brave gal.
I sleep without a nightlight, set mouse traps all by myself, and tear the warning tags off of new pillows.
There are only a few things in life that really scare me: serial killers, overdrafts, roller coasters, and....(oh, I hate to even say it)- diets.
But it is that time of year to face my fears. The word "diet" is buzzing around like bumble bees on steroids... and it's difficult to avoid. WalMart taunts us with 100 calorie snacks, the local gym offers miracle bodies (for a price), and Jennifer Hudson makes it all seem as easy as pie.
Time to get serious.
I know I need professional help. If some crazy diet therapist could get inside my head, maybe they'd figure out why I can't face reality.
But I've eventually got to admit- I'm overweight.
I have a jelly belly.
I have un-loved love handles.
My jowls look like earrings-
and I can set a cup of coffee on my "booty".
I think I fear diets the most, because once you announce you are starting one, you have an instant audience.
People who never took a second glance at me while I piled Little Debbie snack cakes in my grocery cart - or even said hello when they passed me in my jogging pants and "man shirt" on my way into the bank- are now sitting attentively on the sidelines just waiting for me to fail.
There's this giant spotlight as big as meteor- and I'm right smack dab in the middle.
All eyes are on my thighs.
By why do I fail in the first place?
Because I love chocolate.
And a whole other assortment of yumminess that has no business in a real diet.
And because- as my Freshman math teacher can attest to - I can't count!
Does anyone really expect me to keep track of points and calories and portions- if I can't figure out why x=y (or whatever that law of algebra is)? Really?
Don't get me wrong- I love veggies! But I love them with cheddar cheese sauce, cream dip and ranch dressing.
This is gonna be harder than I thought...
Yet, dear readers, I've made a resolution to start my diet. To face my fears. To make important and healthy new decisions for the new year.
And all you skinny, anorexic, six-pack toting "watchers" and just cheer me on to the finish line!
(But truthfully- I'd rather get ambushed by the Walking Dead and feasted upon for three days- than start another diet...)
Onward! That's the only direction to go now...